5 Love Languages: Neurodivergent Style

When I first learned about the 5 Love Languages, created by Gary Chapman, I was starting my counseling journey. The concept of different ways to express and receive love was revolutionary to me as a counselor and as someone who was about to embark on my own personal journey of healing and growth (to be a counselor you have to do a LOT of your own personal work). The typical 5 Love Languages that people know about are Acts of Service, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, and Quality Time. This widened from intimate partnerships to friendships and then to children.

This past year I was taking a training on Trauma and Neurodivergence given by Ginger Healy. She spoke about the 5 Love Languages for Neurodivergent individuals and my heart expanded. I always knew both of my boys loved me and expressed their love in their own unique ways. I smiled and laughed while she shared about the various ways neurodivergent people express and show love differently and/or in addition to the original 5 Love Languages. She aptly described the amazing ways my two boys show their love.

Neurodivergence focuses on the differences in one’s neurology which are shown in brain, body, sensory, and language differences. It does not mean something is wrong with the person, or that they need to be fixed or cured. In fact, Neurodivergent people make up a substantial amount of the population. We are making strides in recognizing how we are all different (which is connected to the concept of neurodiversity) but neurodivergence includes identifiable things such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, learning disabilities, and trauma, and because of the way our society is set up, it can cause impairment or difficulties at times.

The 5 Love Languages of Neurodivergence Are:

1. Information Dumping

Information Dumping is when one shares their area(s) of passion or interest with lots of detail, length, and frequency. Thanks to AZ’s love of keeping us safe, our house has become VERY fire and home security protected. Additionally, I have learned lots of fun facts about fire safety and have visited two fire stations (AZ has visited four across PA and one in SC). AZ has taken the time to even create his own YouTube channel about fire and security systems (Security Systems, Electric, and more). He has given great thought into how many smoke and carbon monoxide detectors are needed, spaced them out so they alert one another quickly, and even saved us $800 when we upgraded our home security system because of his knowledge and research (he knew more than the Vivint representative)! Mark receives the bulk of the information on technology, electrical workings, calculator capabilities, and retro game systems. AZ has accurately identified the level of my brain capacity to understand these concepts, and I love how he smartly shares information with us that match our own unique brain capabilities.

Often autistics or ADHDers are told to stop talking about their passion or preferred interest. Behavior programs often call information dumping “fixated topic” and teach them that it is “too much” and that people do not care. While I understand sometimes there is a limit of what one can share with another and I believe in mutual boundaries, I also recognize that when AZ is sharing about these areas, or various ones over the years, he is wanting me to join him in his passions. This is something to be celebrated, not shut down. It’s a significant way he shows us his love and that he wants to share a big part of his life with us. It also means he feels safe enough with us to communicate his special interest without being ridiculed or mocked.

2. Parallel Play/Body Doubling

For years I called NZ my shadow, and I certainly did not view this as a way he was expressing love. From the time he could walk, where we were, so was he. I now realize this is a way he seeks not only safety and comfort but also shows us his love. He enjoys being in any space we are, even if he is doing his own task (completing a puzzle or Legos while we work or clean). He also loves to help when I am cooking, baking, or doing any other task. He especially loves and requests that we are in his room when it is time to clean up. When I view it as a way to express love, I realize he trusts us and knows he can help us, and we can help him. There is an ease to these interactions, and I appreciate this so much more now.

3. Penguin Pebbling

Penguin Pebbling is from the concept that penguins bring pebbles to their loved ones. The way a neurodivergent person might show their love is when they find, make, or acquire something and say “I thought of you” or just bring you the item. Often these items are random, but they very much communicate that “you are important, and I am thinking of you.” I have received countless four-leaf clovers, picked flowers (well past the toddler years), homemade Lego fidgets for my clients, paper airplanes, homemade jewelry from NZ or YouTube videos from A Guy and A Golden because AZ knows I think their videos are hilarious.

4. Support Swapping

In a world where asking for help can seem “weak”, I absolutely love this form of showing and receiving love. In our house, we all find ways to take care of one another, often without being asked. This past week AZ had a recurring orthodontist appointment and without a reminder (mainly because I had completely forgotten) AZ remembered that I had left my water bottle there the previous month. He asked for this back and brought it home. I felt very loved and cared for to have my favorite water bottle back! NZ will always lend a hand when I am grating lemons or mincing garlic. No matter what he is doing, he quickly lends a hand when it is dinner time. I would never be able to get through Christmas baking without their help and persistent questions of “when are we making cookies?”

This past winter AZ not only changed all the batteries and tested all of the smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, but he also asked to go over to our neighbors’

house to change theirs. He also spent time detailing how they can make their house safer, how many more smoke detectors they needed, what security system they should get, and how many sensors were needed.

5. Deep Pressure

Because of sensory preferences, hugs and kisses may not be a way one likes to show love to another. We have found over the years that AZ prefers fist bumps, side hugs, or when he is dysregulated he will allow and soothe with deep pressure squeezes. NZ on the other hand is our cuddle bug. He loves to be laying on top of us, next to us, or as close as he can to us. He also enjoys tight big bear hugs and this is one of my favorite things to receive.

Despite AZ not saying "I Love You" with his spoken words (language and emotional expression are challenging for him) he and NZ show me daily their love in their own special ways. By learning about their own unique expressions of love, I have also been able to bolster ways to express my love in return. I am big on words of affirmation, so I will continue to say “I Love You" as often and frequently as possible, but now I make sure to learn about fire alarms, fire safety, technology, Legos, Pokémon, and any other area of interest they are willing to share with me. I also know fist bumps are just as good as a hug, or that sometimes with permission, a side hug can be just as fulfilling as the big bear hugs I receive from NZ.

If you are open to noticing how love is communicated from your neurodivergent child, friend, or partner, you will witness beautiful ways they are showing you and others love. I am thankful I can notice and feel the various ways my two boys show their love. It certainly leaves me with a full and content heart.